doctor- i have some bad news and some very bad news.
patient- give me the bad news first.
doctor- the lab called with your test results. u have 24 hours to live.
patient.- that's terrible! what could b more worse than this?
doctor- i have been tring to reach u since yesterday!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
patient- please doctor help me. i have been stung by a bee.
doctor- dont worry . i'll put some cream on it.
pat..-u'll never find the bee. it must be miles away by now.
doc..- no no please understand. i'll put some cream on the place u were stung.
pat..-oh! it happened in the garden where i was sitting under a tree.
doc..- u #$%&! i mean in which part of the body did the bee sting.
pat..- it stung me on my finger.
doc..- which one?
pat..-how am i to know? all the bees look the same to me
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Reason for american crisis
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind,
we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind,
we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'
cross-selling smart Indians
A keen immigrant Indian SINDHI had applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him,
'Have you ever been a salesman before?' 'Yes sir, I was a salesman in Kolkata in India', replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, 'You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you.'
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it.
And finally 6:00 pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,
'How many sales did you make today?'
'Sir, Just ONE sale.' said the young salesman. 'Only one sale?' blurted the boss. ' No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sale a day. .' If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way 'How much was the sale worth?'
'Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four pounds' said the young Sindhi.
'How did you manage that?' asked the flabbergasted boss.
'Well', said the salesman 'this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sell him that new Deluxe SUV 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he'll be staying, an since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about 100 pound sterling worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, 'You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!'
'No' answered the salesman, 'he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing.
'Have you ever been a salesman before?' 'Yes sir, I was a salesman in Kolkata in India', replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, 'You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you.'
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it.
And finally 6:00 pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,
'How many sales did you make today?'
'Sir, Just ONE sale.' said the young salesman. 'Only one sale?' blurted the boss. ' No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sale a day. .' If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way 'How much was the sale worth?'
'Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four pounds' said the young Sindhi.
'How did you manage that?' asked the flabbergasted boss.
'Well', said the salesman 'this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sell him that new Deluxe SUV 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he'll be staying, an since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about 100 pound sterling worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, 'You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!'
'No' answered the salesman, 'he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing.
God is there...
VERY INTERESTING CONVERSATION
An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, The ALMIGHTY.
He asks one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .
Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So you Believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD Good
?
Student : Sure.
Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?
Student : Yes.
Professor :
My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him.
Most of us would attempt to Help Others who are ill.
But GOD didn't.
How is this GOD Good then ? Hmm ?
( Student is silent )
Professor : You can't answer, can you ?
Let's start again, Young Fella.
Is GOD Good ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Is Satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor : Where does
Satan come from ?
Student : From . . . GOD . . .
Professor :
That's right.
Tell me son, is there evil in this World ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ?
And GOD did make Everything. Correct ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : So who created evil ?
( Student does not answer )
Professor
: Is there Sickness ? Immorality ? Hatred ? Ugliness ?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor
: So, who Created them ?
( Student has no answer )
Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.
Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD ?
Student : No, sir.
Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD ?
Student : No ,
sir.
Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD , Tasted your GOD , Smelt your GOD ?
Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter ?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist.
What do you say to that, son ?
Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith .
Professor : Yes. Faith . And that is the Problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat ?
Professor : Yes.
Student :
And is there such a thing as Cold ?
Professor : Yes.
Student : No sir. There isn't.
( The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events )
Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat.
But we don't have anything called Cold.
We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as Cold.
Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat.
We cannot Measure Cold.
Heat is Energy.
Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.
( There is
Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )
Student : What about Darkness, Professor ? Is there such a thing as Darkness ?
Professor : Yes.
What is Night if there isn't Darkness ?
Student : You're wrong again, sir.
Darkness is the Absence of Something..
You can have Low Light, Normal Light , Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .
But if you have No Light Constantly, you have Nothing and it's called Darkness, isn't it ?
In reality, Darkness isn't.
If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you ?
Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is Flawed.
Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how ?
Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.
You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD .
You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, Science can't even
explain a Thought.
It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that
Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life : just the Absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor, do you Teach your Students that they Evolved from a Monkey ?
Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir ?
( The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going )
Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and
cannot even prove that this Process is an On - Going Endeavor,
are you not Teaching your Opinion, sir ?
Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher ?
(
The Class is in Uproar )
Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever Seen the Professor's Brain ?
( The Class breaks out into Laughter )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever Heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, Touched or Smelt it ? . . .
No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that
you have
No Brain, sir.
With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir ?
( The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable )
Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith , son.
Student : That is it sir . . .
the Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.
That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive.
NB:
I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . .
you'll probably want your Friends / Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you ? . . .
Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . .
or FAITH
It turned out later that the student is Albert Einsten
An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, The ALMIGHTY.
He asks one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .
Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So you Believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD Good
?
Student : Sure.
Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?
Student : Yes.
Professor :
My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him.
Most of us would attempt to Help Others who are ill.
But GOD didn't.
How is this GOD Good then ? Hmm ?
( Student is silent )
Professor : You can't answer, can you ?
Let's start again, Young Fella.
Is GOD Good ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Is Satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor : Where does
Satan come from ?
Student : From . . . GOD . . .
Professor :
That's right.
Tell me son, is there evil in this World ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ?
And GOD did make Everything. Correct ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : So who created evil ?
( Student does not answer )
Professor
: Is there Sickness ? Immorality ? Hatred ? Ugliness ?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor
: So, who Created them ?
( Student has no answer )
Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.
Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD ?
Student : No, sir.
Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD ?
Student : No ,
sir.
Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD , Tasted your GOD , Smelt your GOD ?
Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter ?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist.
What do you say to that, son ?
Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith .
Professor : Yes. Faith . And that is the Problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat ?
Professor : Yes.
Student :
And is there such a thing as Cold ?
Professor : Yes.
Student : No sir. There isn't.
( The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events )
Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat.
But we don't have anything called Cold.
We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as Cold.
Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat.
We cannot Measure Cold.
Heat is Energy.
Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.
( There is
Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )
Student : What about Darkness, Professor ? Is there such a thing as Darkness ?
Professor : Yes.
What is Night if there isn't Darkness ?
Student : You're wrong again, sir.
Darkness is the Absence of Something..
You can have Low Light, Normal Light , Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .
But if you have No Light Constantly, you have Nothing and it's called Darkness, isn't it ?
In reality, Darkness isn't.
If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you ?
Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is Flawed.
Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how ?
Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.
You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD .
You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, Science can't even
explain a Thought.
It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that
Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life : just the Absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor, do you Teach your Students that they Evolved from a Monkey ?
Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir ?
( The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going )
Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and
cannot even prove that this Process is an On - Going Endeavor,
are you not Teaching your Opinion, sir ?
Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher ?
(
The Class is in Uproar )
Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever Seen the Professor's Brain ?
( The Class breaks out into Laughter )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever Heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, Touched or Smelt it ? . . .
No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that
you have
No Brain, sir.
With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir ?
( The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable )
Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith , son.
Student : That is it sir . . .
the Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.
That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive.
NB:
I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . .
you'll probably want your Friends / Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you ? . . .
Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . .
or FAITH
It turned out later that the student is Albert Einsten
Solving Crisis...
I'm against the $85,000,000, 000.00 bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor
of giving $85,000,000, 000 to America in a 'We Deserve It Dividend'.
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S.
Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man,
woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..
So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a 'We Deserve It Dividend'.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000, 000 right back to Uncle Sam. But it means that
every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife have $595,000.00.
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else
Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who
lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back,
and of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces. If we're going to
re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny
$1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our
candidates for President.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S
Citizen 18+!
As for AIG - liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go
back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private
sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't. Sure it's a crazy idea
that can "never work." But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom?
I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion 'We
Deserve It Dividend' more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.
And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5
Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam. Talk about a stimulus
package!
Moreover, this is just the beginning... We have not even factored in the
"initial" $700 billion bailout of the banking industry...
of giving $85,000,000, 000 to America in a 'We Deserve It Dividend'.
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S.
Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man,
woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..
So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a 'We Deserve It Dividend'.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000, 000 right back to Uncle Sam. But it means that
every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife have $595,000.00.
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else
Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who
lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back,
and of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces. If we're going to
re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny
$1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our
candidates for President.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S
Citizen 18+!
As for AIG - liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go
back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private
sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't. Sure it's a crazy idea
that can "never work." But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom?
I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion 'We
Deserve It Dividend' more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.
And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5
Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam. Talk about a stimulus
package!
Moreover, this is just the beginning... We have not even factored in the
"initial" $700 billion bailout of the banking industry...
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