suspending light...

In many ways than one I always thought marriage is a disaster. The time just proves me right. When I happen to offer an opinion, I have more oppositions than could be counted on fingers. Exculpate me for going against the traditional belief that a nuptial is obligatory – something we owe to society. I do not say that those who want to get married (I know girls desperate to tie a knot) are attempting an incessant crime, but nonetheless, I have been given freedom to lead my life as I desire. And I, to say the truth, deny blemishing my life and freedom for someone else. I have seen many people around me getting a connubial bliss even without knowing their partners for more than one university term.

I have seen Indian ready to spend their life with a person who lives in one of those first world countries. They don’t even have tête-à-tête with their sweetheart twice before making ‘the decision’. If the situation in India was as bad as Vietnam or if we lived in an autocratic country, then I wouldn’t be amazed on their pronouncement. However, today India stands as one of the global leaders and I see no need for any girl in modern Mumbai, I stress on the word “modern”, to commit to someone ajar to them.

“Who cares about the global economy,” one of my cousins declared, “all I want is to go to United States.”

“Even if you donno the guy properly?” I was little surprised by that statement.

“Even if I donno the guy properly,” she said assertively, “why do you care? I don’t want to make big out here… and if I have to it will be there.”

Did I really care about her? Nope. I just couldn’t digest the fact that she had just seen her fiancé once before engagement. I was still a little jittery, when finally I blathered (of course to her), “but you hardly know him…”

“Oh you!” she seemed a little goaded with annoyance, “haven’t you heard something called Internet? I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T? That’s how you spell it right? Besides, his parents stay in India, very much in INdia.”

I thought it was better I ceased my banter as it had reached its pinnacle, and who likes to get indignant?

She still had a point to get married, I thought, but what about those who are coerced into this?

One of my friends got into a conjugal bond in December. I enjoyed his wedding thoroughly – no two ways about it. I tapped my feet; my first Christen wedding…yeah…everyone was enjoying seemed happy – but the groom and the bride. What about them? (I know they weren’t happy through internal source.) Besides, my friend, who also happened to be the groom (nope, not the bride, I am a straight girl you see) was excessively jovial and I just don’t mean stupidity, but what I consider a true sense of humor, got married to a grim girl. What a stupid pair!
Aren’t these sufficient to discern me from something that is called, “M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E”.

atonement

“Aditi, you know Gaurav Joshi has gone to USA… If he happens to be there in feb he will see the preps for Oscars,” my friend called me up to give me a news that didn’t only surprise me but made be so envious. “I don’t buy that…” I tried fooling myself… huh! An unsuccessful attempt. But I was rather surprised when I actually called my friend Gaurav to confirm if he has actually gone to U.S.A. First the call went missed. But later the same name flashed on my screen. I grinned.

“Hello, Aditi?” a matured lady spoke from the other side. I knew my happiness was short lived.

After a short conversation with that lady I actually felt ashamed for two things: being jealous and actually cross-confirming something that wouldn’t have bothered me much, that is equals to wasting time, money, and…

So what do I do when I feel ashamed of my actions? I write to convince myself that I have babbled my sin in front of a pope/God whatever. Hmmm… So am I still found to be guilty? Am I going to be imprisoned for an insane crime? C’mon do you find my puerile look feigned?

So will god punish me for a small bad deed that I did? Is he going to cancel my trip to U.S.A.? I hope not…

So when will I say…Los Angeles…Oscar….Go………….

me!

I have never felt uncomfortable to this level. I don’t understand what is happening to me? I don’t know what am I getting from writing this passage, but I am sure enough it will distract me from my ailing body. I feel as though there is no muscle left inside my stomach and where is the blood? Has it disappeared? Nothing tastes so good. “I can at least taste,” I try to convince myself. I am struggling to keep up with my situation. The mind that has no sync with my hand movement…wait…then how is it that I am writing? I am not even sure what I am writing is the thing I want to write. A cold piece of food that I chew with disinterest belongs to my favorite dish. God! What is going on? Is it that I am going to faint soon? Vomit? No… stomach…oh no not that…what do they call it… yeah food poison? I have no clue… I am not a doctor – should I visit one? I am sure everyone, including you, will advice me the same. But I am in office. I can only consult a doc when I am at home. Gosh! How I recall there is a client call in an hour that I am supposed to be… what?? Where was I? What were my thin fingers typing? I can’t read… my eyes are blurring… I will sleep for sometime I guess. Give my below par body some rest. Hmmm… what was the synonymous for that word… what am I trying to search? I am writing…no sleeping… this is my dream…blue…red…white…black….zzzzzzzzz

cinema through my eyes

It is long time since the glamour world is considered to be “adulterated”.

“Not really,” I argue with my father, “look at the creative part…”

Without listening to me further, he conveniently refused to sign my admission form. I felt a castle of dreams non-deafeningly coming down to dust. I wanted to bellow, holler… all I could do is stay quiet and stare at his commands.

In India we still respect our parents and at the age of twenty-two, I would avoid raising my objection to something my dad said. Sometimes, though, it out of compulsion rather than… huh, let it be. Mom, like usual mothers, is always there to support me. She could not see me disheartened.

“I will try if he can see your point-of-view,” she tried to stop tears that were all ready to march down. I silently nodded and left the dinning room.

All wanted to be was a writer, for the industry that I have adored for years. It breaths; it lives; it makes… the music is so well synchronized; the fight sequence just so perfect (well I am talking about a good film); and those characters reveal so much about every human being… ummm…it is like having the best food in the world. Cinema is just so beautiful. From the figment of someone’s imagination to a complete whole…

People are not crazy to spend their hard earned money to watch a film or buy a television, are they? It has magic – a magic that takes you to another world. It is brighter than any diamond. It is carefully polished and bhooom comes a creation that really doesn’t belong to this world. Who is not touched by cinema, film, or television? It is the best escapism.

There are extraordinary people out there, who understand the potential of cinema – they work day and night to produce what is not less loved than their own child. Sometimes, probably more… haven’t you heard the stories about film-makers, who became rich to rag because of one flop film? If you ask him, I am sure he has something else to say about the film, which on the …eee… didn’t do so well. Nah! Nothing to get disappointed about…

I am a writer. I am base of “The Industry”. I will create those rats that can talk; those people who wear knickers on their pants. I want to exchange my shoes (my shoe size is 7½… but I don’t think that really matters, does it?) I want to be you - to create you.

I just have a small appeal to people: please respect this industry. It is an epitome of novelty. Those who put their hard work (I mean even the spot boy) may not be MBAs or MBBS, but they have mastered their field and without them I bet even you will feel incomplete. In fact they can recreate MBAs or MBBS or even change their definition and I bet you will still like it.

ashwini is god gifted

Ashwini is god gifted. She must have survived the toughest time known to me. A through metal torture as I would describe it. No support, no sympathy, and no one to rely on. No shoulder to cry. Her soul, so soft, was made to rip again and again. No once that she could have said I loved the way I am… Deteriorating self-esteem and a four month baby that was seeing everything from inside her womb, was all she had to show the world.

But those unfaithful days passed. What we now had was an ideal sister, mother, daughter, and a wife. She forgot everything like a passing breeze. But I haven’t. Not that there was anyone to blame for what she went through, nor was anyone to be spared – not even me. I need to compensate the loss I caused to her, when she needed me the most.

I feel sorry and guilty of what I have done in partial innocence. No, I am not justifying myself, but I am telling you the truth of what I feel.

After realizing that the time would never come back – it never does; I have decided to keep her happy, giving her what she wants. That kid which equally witnessed all the atrocities are been given the best comfort possible. I get him what he wants before he even asks for it.

I would just want to say sorry to my sister and God, as he did not create me to join up against any human being.

letter to god

I am too happy today, why? I am contented and cheerful because I have my old best friend with me, my music. I got a new video ipod of 8GB yesterday. It is so beautiful. It is in the color second best to me – black. I love everything about; all the features about it. After my ipod was stolen, I felt a short journey to the other world, the world of misery and disgrace. But, now I am back with all my favorite songs. I have one person to thank for this Ipod, God. So I write a letter to him:

Dear God,

I have always loved you so much. In return I have never been let down by you. You have taken care of me like your child or may be something more than that. I do not have words to describe our relationship. It is more intense than a cyclone that can destroy this planet, sweeter than A.R. Raheman's music, and more reliable than the sky itself.

I had to never tell you what I want. You always thought of it beforehand. You arranged my destiny in such a way that I never returned empty handed. What could I say to those who do not believe that we actually can communicate to each other? They must have percolated handis of milk on idol that they think is you. I know people have wasted their time, energy, and money after such useless things that is more materialistic than gold; and they call me materialistic. They are simple humans just like any other animal. But do not know how to value your creation. I do not criticize them as they too are your creation. You can never make mistakes. You have arranged everything, I know. You give everyone that they deserve. Otherwise, who can explain you're talking to me everyday, fulfilling all my wishes – be it big or small.


I love you more than myself. The day you open your arms for me, I bet I will be smiling and accept what you have decided for me.

I can feel you every minute. You are here within me, you are time that controls me, and you are music that takes me to another world. You are my writings that give me escapism from all my drudgeries. You fill me up with smiles that make me merry. You are John, A. R. Raheman, Irwin, Sanchay, Mummy, Daddy, Sister, Brother, Brother-in-law, and everyone, whom I ever loved for a minute or more and who thought for me always.

Thank you for being there.

Love you a lot,
Your best friend,
Aditi

opps...interruption

sorry for discontinuining my story...

I need to say something:

I feel caged here. I do not know even once when I have spent days doing nothing – no work. I want to shout, scream… alas, all I can do is write. No one laughs with, no one to cry. I have no clue how the others live in such dismay. The environment is scratching and ripping me apart; making me feel like an oblivious object that has entered an alien world, which she would wish she should have never entered. I want to tare the space, emptiness surrounding me and go to the world that I rejoice the most.

Everyone here is either not aware or are pretenders. No one seems to be available. They love staring at space rather than going home. I am lost. Have I lost or is it the human race? People around the world do not have sufficient work. Or is it they have but are not allowed to do?

I am standing here at the end of one shore, far away from my destination. All I can think about is my home; where my mother awaits my arrival, my sister’s eyes are dying to see my sight, my sweetheart nephew is longing to play with me, and of course, my computer, bed, toys, work all desperate to feel me. Every morning I feel I shouldn’t be here. I am to be somewhere else – the place, which I virtually experience in my dream…

I still have to be here; for this is the step to bring my dream closer. All I can think now is to hug my mother, to sense the comfort once more.

I stand here crying, but nobody can see my tears; I stand here broken down into pieces, but nobody to collect them; I am here, here, where people have all the senses working perfectly but cannot feel.

I beg myself to release me from the pain I am going through. I curse my self for being treacherous to myself. I am all alone, standing here…

the perfect theft

hi this is a new short story that i am trying to write. It is mixture of two recent news that i have just read in newspaper.

This shorst story is pretty long so will post it as and how i complete it.

Prologue

First January was a perfect date for inauguration. BMC was all set to open their newly renovated museum. 31st December, generally declared as holiday in municipality was a working day for some of the employees, who were involved with the project. “Finally,” commented Bhagat Rao, “we are almost done with the preparation. It is all set and done.”
“But sir you know…” Devang couldn’t believe he was actually objecting to something that his head was so desperately waiting for.
“Shhh… dare you speak a word about it. It’s not healthy. Not at least when we are just about to invite media.”

“It is risky,” Devang tried to put his point forward again.

“It is not. Before anyone even knows, the work will be done, don’t you worry. Just go home and relax. Two days later you will have no time to rest. I want you early in the morning here tomorrow.”

“It is understood that I will not leak the news to media. But what about those people who are involved with the insurance? They of course know the fact that we are not insured for as many as 3,500 items.”

“Devang, go home and relax.”

Bhagat rao left in his brand new white Honda City, which he had just received from the government on his promotion. He thought a little what Devang had just said. He couldn’t deny the fact that he was too worried about the same, but the excitement of the new museum was far too great.

Chapter I

Nishit was just too excited, he is going to turn 18 tomorrow. What a day! 1st January – a perfect day for anyone’s birthday. Everyone celebrates the first day of year and he celebrates both, New Year and birth day. “It is a perfect day indeed,” he thought to himself. He had already planned his birthday with his friends. “I am going to race, so fast, against this traffic – against this world. Dad will definitely by me a car; he promised me.” His imagination was taking a different turn altogether. Today his felt his feet dancing not to the tunes of songs, like in his profession, but with joy. He will be eligible for dancing academy tomorrow. Soon, he will join the league in United States, making the whole world dance.

The taxi thumped. Squeaked.

“We are already at Bharti Vidhya Bhavan, sir, where should I head now?”

“No where,” Nishit replied him as he handed over a ten rupee note and three coins to him, “I will get down here.”

“Four steps more,” he thought to himself, “and I will be one step closer to my ambition. I will be a choreographer. Yes!”

“Hey Nishit,” Gaurav shouted in his loud hoarse voice.

Nishit greeted Gaurav with a soft smile. “Nishit, I was calling since a long time… the class is closed today, our master expired last night…” Gaurav was almost puffing as if he had run miles. Such a lousy lazy guy, Nishit would have thought if the news was not so shocking. He was completely blown by what he had just heard. It is not possible. Sir was going to suggest me to some directors. He was so impressed with my work. He was going to talk about sponsorship to United States. Now I will have to join dad’s business. I will never be able to convince dad about my dance study abroad.

“Nishit! Are you listening to me?”

“I have lost everything that I have.”

“No, you haven’t. Remember something that I told you a few days ago?”

the change

Change is constant. Till a few days ago I wondered how it will be to join a new office, new working environment, new people, new boss, new job profile… everything was going to change. My mind was killing me in anticipation.

But I shifted just so comfortably. Now if I go to think, it was because of two reasons: one the office itself – it is just so good: people, place, environment, even their banking facility is just as I wanted.

The other reason is my changed attitude towards life. How I changed? Well, too many people to thank for that change, especially my sister, mummy, and my baby sanchay. Even if I thank god throughout my life for such a good family I guess that would not be sufficient.

But there should be a special mention here. Mentioning someone who changed me completely – may be not the outer appearance, but the change has taken place inside me. My attitude has changed. The positive energy I feel deep inside this sea of unknown dangers – my heart forces me to love everything that is around me. I actually feel like living for myself. I now understand the importance fulfilling hobbies and exploring the hidden talents inside you. You need not do one thing throughout your life; there is much more to do.

The one to completely revolutionize me is Irwin. He is one whom everyone should have around. Life is indeed worth living now. Much more fun to live life that is so exciting and fun filled.

Within a month’s break that I took from my work and my daily routine, it got me much closer to my mummy, someone so inseparable now. God will really have to give me strength when the time comes to separate from her.

sorry for absconding

It has been quite sometime since I have written something - of course my dear readers must be missing me. But let me tell you, the one month that I spent “trying to do nothing” was the most hectic month I have had after my graduation. I thought I will take a leave from work, sit at home, and relax. Trying to do exactly what I am not. In my free time I planned to write blogs, DVDs, watch movies, more movies and some more films. I have a craze of collecting films for those who do not know. So I am a proud owner of more than 200 films Hindi and English.

Okay, back to the topic – I did not watch many movies nor did I sit and relax. I did something that I never knew I loved so much – shopping and exercising. I joined a new gym (was thinking of joining this place from past year or so) and did a lot of shopping for my sister’s upcoming wedding. So with tight schedules and heavy shopping bags in my hand I went around different places right from Goregoan to Marine drive and Matunga.

At one of the saree emporiums my mother and I were greeted by an old man with straight back and tight body. From the way he spoke, the behavior of salesmen, and other shoppers like moi, I concluded he was the owner of this shop. I was awestruck by the way he presented himself and the amount of energy and enthusiasm he still portrayed like a novice about to start his business. Looking at his fit body, I felt ashamed on myself – for letting my body go as though I never loved it. Next day itself I happened to join the gym.

After I started going to gym, with an intention to make an optimum use of the place, I realized I just loved toning myself. Working out for the first time I thought I will have tremendous aches (in several joints and muscles at least the first day) but this was not true. Exercising did not hurt me. It just added to my stamina and pumped some more energy into me…

There is a lot to write… but I have very little time… my vacation is getting over today and I got to rush to office…